(no subject)
Oct. 4th, 2006 01:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floweranzaTitle: 1. False Start
Characters: Alphonse Elric + Edward Elric
Rating: PG
1/100 themes.
Alphonse runs through the roads of Central City, watching the marketplace vendors pass by in a blur. He thinks absentmindedly that the clattering sounds of his running are very strange. His brother runs at his side, the top of his head just about even to Al's elbow – and wouldn’t Brother be angry about that – his arms windmilling to keep balance with his awkward legs and the bangs caught in his eyes. They head steadily through the sunny streets towards the expansive train station. Ed utters curses under his breath in a steady stream, almost trips over his red coat, ‘that bastard Colonel!' – and then – ‘Oh shit!’ And Al yanks him up by the right arm as his older brother narrowly avoids a faceplant into the ground. They arrive just as their train pulls away. Ed bends almost double with his palms propped up on his knees and his hair drooping and sweat dripping off his cheeks, breathes hard and laughs. Al laughs too, and sits next to his brother propped up against a column, imagines the sun shining on his face.
Characters: Alphonse Elric + Edward Elric
Rating: PG
1/100 themes.
Alphonse runs through the roads of Central City, watching the marketplace vendors pass by in a blur. He thinks absentmindedly that the clattering sounds of his running are very strange. His brother runs at his side, the top of his head just about even to Al's elbow – and wouldn’t Brother be angry about that – his arms windmilling to keep balance with his awkward legs and the bangs caught in his eyes. They head steadily through the sunny streets towards the expansive train station. Ed utters curses under his breath in a steady stream, almost trips over his red coat, ‘that bastard Colonel!' – and then – ‘Oh shit!’ And Al yanks him up by the right arm as his older brother narrowly avoids a faceplant into the ground. They arrive just as their train pulls away. Ed bends almost double with his palms propped up on his knees and his hair drooping and sweat dripping off his cheeks, breathes hard and laughs. Al laughs too, and sits next to his brother propped up against a column, imagines the sun shining on his face.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-04 07:48 pm (UTC)I liked how you had this in Al's viewpoint. It worked well to see him think, "Brother" instead of "Ed" or "his brother". Because as any good FMA fan knows, Ed's not Ed to Al, he's Brother.
You switched view points somewhere in the middle of the drabble, and then went back to the original view point. It's so subtle that you really have to look closely to see it, but it's there. The thing is, I can't tell if it's meant to be there. It works, but if someone was reading closely, it detracts from the drabble because then they have to pick it apart, and lessens the interaction of the story.
Nice drabble though. Even if you know I can't stand these short things. XD
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 12:21 am (UTC)Fanksss.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 12:26 am (UTC)not really sure what to do about the viewpoint thing - i think i'll just take it as an 'event' occuring within the viewpoint, not as a change of viewpoint... because i see no good way to change it without stabbing that wording, and the wording's okay. :\ blsrhgg.
next one will be longer fo' sho--
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 01:24 am (UTC)Now off you get to your homework. >>
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 12:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 02:06 am (UTC)Thaaank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 01:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-10-05 02:06 am (UTC)