Where did your halcyon days go?

[floweranza]

Zdrastvuyte! Faye sent me a nudge a day ago to update my journal, so here we are. Truthfully, I don't usually feel much like writing, but I've just gotten back from a strangely unmalignant family gathering that's lulled me into a state of content. Or whatever.

I'll use this space for the usual stuff... you (o, ambiguous reader!) must have noticed that I mostly post lists nowadays. Of favourites, or things I want to remember, or little observations I make because I'm still very much a people-watcher. And a place-watcher, of course. Kind of like Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book. I still need to buy that, Faye. Thanks for introducing it to me; it's a lovely, unblemished view into the past. On to the usual drivel!

Things I wish:
* That I could get the same enjoyment from writing as I used to. I'm not a bad writer, and I never was, but I do believe I used to be a better writer because I was so much more enthusiastic about what I wanted to express and the way in which I was doing it. There are so many things in my head I can only hope to adequately express. This is why I knew I would never be a creative writing major - because I can only hope, or wish, and cannot maintain the drive to do it.

* That I could ever manage to fully tell someone how much he meant and still means to me. It's funny that we knew each other at a time when I wasn't doing too well, yet I look back and that's been the only time in my life I've felt intellectually alive. The only time I had someone who honestly regarded me. I haven't felt like that since.

* That I could put the beauty of the universe into words. But that's the same as wish number #1, isn't it? I'm running out of material already.

Wishy-washy things:
I kind of don't want to go back to college so soon. I adore being at home. Don't get me wrong. I love Iowa, and I really like the people I associate with there. But, fundamentally, I am a solitary person. I love being there, but I don't love being there. Being constantly surrounded by people completely stresses me out. I like it here. There's my cat and I and a notebook and a sketchbook and my wishes. I'm good with that. But this is a wishy-washy thing - I do want to go back. There are things I need to do there, and people I want to be with.

I think I need to learn to appreciate myself more. I want someone to depend on, but I don't want to feel dependent on people to feel good about myself. That's a fair goal, right?

- J/Yulia

Comments

[newsboyhat.livejournal.com]

But you will have a GLORIOUS MONTH to sit on your fat arse at home when winter break rolls around.

Keep writing. Use the journal. Write about anything, little details that inspire you, bits of information you find interesting, cool books you've read. The more you write, the better you get at expressing yourself.

[floweranza.livejournal.com]

[whinewhinewhine]

Yes, ma'am.