Where did your halcyon days go?

[floweranza]

Zdrastvuyte! Faye sent me a nudge a day ago to update my journal, so here we are. Truthfully, I don't usually feel much like writing, but I've just gotten back from a strangely unmalignant family gathering that's lulled me into a state of content. Or whatever.

I'll use this space for the usual stuff... you (o, ambiguous reader!) must have noticed that I mostly post lists nowadays. Of favourites, or things I want to remember, or little observations I make because I'm still very much a people-watcher. And a place-watcher, of course. Kind of like Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book. I still need to buy that, Faye. Thanks for introducing it to me; it's a lovely, unblemished view into the past. On to the usual drivel!

Things I wish:
* That I could get the same enjoyment from writing as I used to. I'm not a bad writer, and I never was, but I do believe I used to be a better writer because I was so much more enthusiastic about what I wanted to express and the way in which I was doing it. There are so many things in my head I can only hope to adequately express. This is why I knew I would never be a creative writing major - because I can only hope, or wish, and cannot maintain the drive to do it.

* That I could ever manage to fully tell someone how much he meant and still means to me. It's funny that we knew each other at a time when I wasn't doing too well, yet I look back and that's been the only time in my life I've felt intellectually alive. The only time I had someone who honestly regarded me. I haven't felt like that since.

* That I could put the beauty of the universe into words. But that's the same as wish number #1, isn't it? I'm running out of material already.

Wishy-washy things:
I kind of don't want to go back to college so soon. I adore being at home. Don't get me wrong. I love Iowa, and I really like the people I associate with there. But, fundamentally, I am a solitary person. I love being there, but I don't love being there. Being constantly surrounded by people completely stresses me out. I like it here. There's my cat and I and a notebook and a sketchbook and my wishes. I'm good with that. But this is a wishy-washy thing - I do want to go back. There are things I need to do there, and people I want to be with.

I think I need to learn to appreciate myself more. I want someone to depend on, but I don't want to feel dependent on people to feel good about myself. That's a fair goal, right?

- J/Yulia

Comments

[floweranza.livejournal.com]

[whinewhinewhine]

Yes, ma'am.